My Liguanea Adventure

So today I had to take a taxi home from school in the afternoon (to those reading this that know me…*Okay I know, why would someone who doesn’t know me be reading this*..anyway to those that know me, no I’m not making this up, I took a taxi okay? This is real mawfuggaz, I’m in the streets all day errday [except for when it's too hot; I get whiney]). I feel like that sidenote was so full of punctuation errors (never. been, my! Strong; point…….See what I did there?:))

Before I get too sidetracked, lemme continue the story. I walked over to about 3 taxi-men and their cabs, looked at one of the gentlemen and said “Taxi, H*pe P*st*res?” (Sidenote: I blocked some of the vowels arbitrary letters so that no-one knows where I live, you know…to throw off the potential stalkers, cuz you know bloggers get aaall the honeys). Now apparently some lady a few feet away from me (white, about 50 years old – not GILF style, just regular kinda old) signalled to him at the same time I asked him, so he looks at her and asks if she’s willing to share the cab. The lady proceeded to:

• Stare at me with the kind of look I reserve for instances when radio DJ’s play more than one Drake song in the space of 10 minutes (this happens way too often)
• Spit on the ground in my direction
• Then said with the strongest Upper Sen Andrew accent “You can’t be serious! No!”
• I am not lying about any o’ this (I know this doesn’t belong in the bullet points but I just felt like it needed to go here)

What did I do? Well what could I do??? And you what’s the weirdest thing about all of this? I made up most of it…yeah it didn’t really happen like that. She just looked on me, kinda screwed her face, then said “No.” But I was still pretty offended. Why wouldn’t she want to share a taxi with me…I’m a nice guy…kinda

Anyway, when I got over it I crossed my fingers in anticipation of the taxi ride (in another car of course) and opened the door, heart-racing:

Lo and Behold it was NOT Claro Cash Cab (for the non-Jamaicans, yes we have our own version of the show) and I had a regular ride home (Except for when he decided to rant about a woman we saw carrying a toddler and a baby. He was upset that Jamaicans blame the government when they have too many children to feed: ” A government give dem pickney?! Eediat dem! Government mussi name Joe Grind!” Lol)

So yeah, that’s what I wrote about today…what? You wasted 5 minutes? Stop complaining, I wasted 15 writing it.

Finding Myself…

Yes bad quality but I'm too lazy to find another one

LOL naw I’m joking, I hate people who do that. What does “finding yourself” even mean? And why does backpacking through Europe or South America help people to do it? Then again, I’ve never been camping much less living hostel to hostel so I wouldn’t know how it helps to discover your inner…soul? being?…whatever let’s move on.

For those of you who’ve been following the blog you may have noticed that this is the millionth time I’ve changed the visual theme and background for the thing (and I’ve had like 5 posts) but I feel like I’ve finally made up my mind…

What? Yes it’s this one…Well I know it’s grey but…Listen I wasn’t asking for advice! It’s this one and you’ll love it!

Well anyway, I’ve noticed a distinct lack of comments on my last post. If I don’t get at least 5 on my next post I’m done!…Ok no, I didn’t mean it but you were scared weren’t you? I think that some positive feedback might have gone to my head but humility was never my thing. It’s even harder in this day and age where everyone wants to be a celebrity for no real reason. Twitter, WordPress, Blogspot and to a lesser  extent, Facebook, have too many people thinking that they’re interesting. Seriously some of it is annoyingly awful. A few of the people I follow always seem to feel like they have to inspire their followers to get on their grind/hustle/whatever gibberish Black people say nowadays to allude to how successful and hardworking they are. It’s either that or people trying too hard to be funny all the time. Of course many people are funny and some people cause the occasional chuckle but I HATE some of you:

“*Sigh*”

“Going to work”

“This food sucks!”

“In life you have to take the high road…blah blah, more deep stuff”

To those of you who find those tweets all too familiar, you offer nothing to society. No-one is interesting all the time, but “Sigh”?! Is that what you have to offer to everyone’s timeline? That explains nothing, tell us what you’re sighing about, or don’t bother to sigh online. When you think about it, it’s really random. You can’t just sigh out of context…

Also you can’t free whichever artiste/actor whatever is in jail by tweeting #Free(FamousBlackGuy) so stop tweeting it. It’s stupid. Tell me, why should whoever be freed? Being caught with a gun/buying or selling drugs/slapping you’re wife is not equivalent to being a prisoner of war. Prison is where criminals belong, I don’t care if you like their music.

Obvious I have nothing to write about? *shrug* Your face has nothing to write about….

Nicki’s for Da Kids

I’m Bizzack!!!…sorry that was inappropriate and inexcusable.

So it’s been well over  month since I last wrote anything to entertain the masses (yeah I’m feeling pretty good about being me). The reason for that is just that I really wasn’t inspired enough to ridicule anyone. Weird right? There’s been so much fodder for all the haaaders and badmind people, like the Performing Negro Awards 2 Sundays ago, woman-beater tears et al. There’s also the Airbender movie which is locked in a death-match with the Dragonball Z adaptation & The Ruins for “worst thing-to-hit-the-big-screen-since George Clooney donned Bat-nipples.”

But something bothers me even more kids (should i start a sentence with “but?”…is that allowed?): Da Big Rocket Launcha says we can look forward to her first coaster album this year, which is exciting for..umm…….seriously, what’s her demographic? Black American lesbians? I don’t mean to offend but who’s going to listen to the schizo “Black Barbie” with 20 different voices (all surprisingly, equally annoying) for 15 tracks straight? When I see her videos the shiny colours on her head and face, in addition to that wonderful contraption she bought to sit on, are enough of a distraction to keep me watching..but to just sit and listen? Wow…I dunno. Bear with me for a second though, try listening to Massive Attack without the visuals, seriously go ahead…..What’s that? You’re upset with me? It was a confusing mess? She said mangoes grow on vines? You think she’s trying to kill you?

There’s more kids, Ms. Minaj has an alter-ego (yes…the one we know is her normal side). If you read the link I posted earlier, you’ll see she’s trying to keep this other side of herself under wraps for now. I thought Nicki was getting all Sasha Fierce on us, but I don’t think we’ll be getting non-singing sidekicks (Michelle and Kelly, that woman replaced you with half-decent looking dancers…dat’s cold) in black and white videos anytime soon (how could she show us her new wig colour that way?). Also I’m not sure she can actually dance; her unnatural assets always seem like they’ll cause her to fall over even when she’s barely walking….but I digress….

We don’t have to worry about another Sasha Fierce though, because Nicki’s other moniker will be “Roman Zolanski.” Sorry let me make this clear, ROMAN ZOLANSKI

Zolanski?

Sound like a former Hollywood bigwig to you? If you don’t know who Roman Polanski is, do some reading (skip to where they talk about his extracurricular activities). Is this the direction Lil’ Wayne wants to take his company in? Things could get scary. Let’s say Roman Zolanski gets a few songs on the album once Barbie+melanin+40 pounds takes a break, what could the titles be?

1. Baby, Baby, Baby feat. Justin Bieber

2. Don’t Tell your Mommy

3. Same Girl (Remix feat. R. Kelly)

I’m sorry but could there be a less appropriate name? Lil’ Chuckee and Twist is gettin some o’ dat Young Money lovin’ early; nah mean?….Too far? Sorry